Anyone ask you how much a bj cost yet? That shirt is so whorish
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
To be honest i'm almost glad he got arrested. His girlfriend and i kept making out so i'm pretty sure the alternative was a threesome. Now we're just the trashy girls who visit him in jail.
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
pray to the hookup gods
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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