Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
Randomize
