Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
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