he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
Going to pass out with da shoes on. hugging wallstreet journal from tuesday. please check me for liveliness in the morning.
Who spends 33 dollars at Taco Bell and lives???
My clit is not a Gobstopper. Cut it out.
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
She deleted me on Facebook. I think it's safe to say that she knows I fucked him now.
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
Randomize
