new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
We turned everything surrounding BP and the oil leak into a "that's what she said" drinking game. We've been drunk for a month
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
Let's discuss options later this evening. I'll draw out said options and compare and contrast the "accessibility" of the costume for quickies. Because you never know. Halloween is full of surprises. I'll also compare practicality, level of skank, and creative features.
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Randomize
