you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
Houston, we have a squirter
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
I feel like death gave me a hand job
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
Found the puke drawer
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Randomize
