I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
