it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
I think I just puked all over my comforter and my roomdmate won't wakt up to washc it for me
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
I made a drinking game out of watching your DUI video, everytime you say " okay, well thats just your opinion"
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
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