Cold hands, warm shart.
I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
it was like she wanted to be a once a week night stand
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
our conversations pretty much only consist of the phrase 'fuck you'. and the sex is fantastic. we've got a great thing going here.
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
Randomize
