question: from what angle do you give a hand job. im confused..
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
We had to coat check the pizza.
I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
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