He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
smoked four grams out of a bong with a mixture of pool water and white rum. I applaud you for leaving before losing too many brain cells.
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
Randomize
