I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
I feel great
I just peed on a car
Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
just found the land before time on youtube... I'm so fucked for finals
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
Lesbians are nicde people they do not take debit cards
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
Randomize
