Ive never seen someone more dtf than a soaking wet drunk girl who stumbles into your backyard.
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
Randomize
