my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
yes he's amazing in bed. he made me like, black out. everything went black it was weird. so yes, i'd fuck him again. plus, he has every season of buffy on dvd
If i spent $300 & took that thing home i would hate myself today.
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
Randomize
