Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
I think i morst likely have 95 %patulas for hands and probably i also went to eGypt with so manyfriends. We laids in the sarcaphoguses.
You sound pretty unsure about all of this.
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
Randomize
