Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
I'm not entirely sure what we did is legal in the U.S., but I know that couple wont be the same
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
I just mixed tangerine juice with sauv blanc. on an unrelated note, my episide of intervention is slated to run in April.
Randomize
