seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
So I don't have any furniture but we just skateboard drunk around the floor.
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
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