I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
My boss' voice literally gives me gas
dude your girlfriend loves you alot..she yelled your name lastnight in bed
It's a Westpoint/Army thing, we talk about Miley Cyrus a lot
Why?
Because when is jailbait ever not funny? Answer: Never
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
Haha so I huess that means he's a little over 7. I can use my throat as a ruler!!
One less school supply you need to buy!!
I thinking of taking all of the pics of his dick that he's sent me and making a calendar.
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
Randomize
