i just saw someone i know on True Life. i need new friends.
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.
I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
God gave him joint rollers for hands
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
I woke up completely naked in a mint condition 71 chevelle in someones garage. What.
Randomize
