can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
Randomize
