i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
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