man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
This girls a $30 bar tab from being bi
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
That's why you need to have them together. Katie started crying on the couch and she just gave her a tube of crackers and picked up a beer at the same time. She's like a goddess of making things chill
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
Randomize
