running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
the party has pretty much ended, it's just 20ish of us jumping and grinding to music from some guy's phone in the corner.
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
Randomize
