Is it normal that I have to take off my pants to get mouth stitches removed?
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
my mom just found my bong and asked what it was. I told her it was a hookah
and she bought it?!?
yeah...but her friends at work told her hookah was fun and now she wants to smoke it with me...im thinkin yes
u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
I could be busy drinking my face off and getting red white and bruised per usual
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
Do you think I could use my teacher of month Award to get free drinks?
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
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