umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
There is a literally infinite number of spliffs going around this table.
Delicious
I feel like I'm at a sushi bar with a spliff belt.
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
You tried to bite my nipple like 3 times
NAh son
Just general bites
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
Randomize
