I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
just fit an iguana in a condom...have pics
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
He's def the type to chop us into bits whilst screaming "NAPA BITCH". AKA my type
I think he is probably a psycho that will eventually murder me but i mean the sex last time was AWESOME.
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
Randomize
