Please don't use social media to get back at me.
His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
Holy. shit. Chris has no pants on. In public. Fuck. Need you.
The only good thing about being back at work is supply room boom boom with my office husband
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