Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
the tile , carpet , walls , cabinets , even the ceiling ... there is Jello everywhere
it was your idea to have indoor Jello wrestling man
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
That was an excessively violent trivia night
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
I understand, but unless there is an intervention for me being planned, i DON NOT want to talk about my life choices
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
Randomize
