it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
at least he lost his v-card with a bang... or should i say the clap.
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
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