soooo.. i guess the cop said he'd drop the charges if i go to some AA meetings and i said fuck AA. not one of my better choices.
fuck your aforementioned shoe
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
They were done having sex when I went to the room. They had that look on their faces.
Disappointment?
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
Randomize
