The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
Well she described you as a "Sex-Viking", which seemed to be only slightly related to the red beard. So things are looking good!
Probably TMI here but I just rubbed one out while listening to thunderstruck, almost ripped my dick off.
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
Randomize
