Oh my god. I just envisioned myself eating panda meat. I need to get out of this class.
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
Why is everyone giving me a hard time for drinking?!
Your in the library.
Just sold my panties for 40 bucks to some rando dude at the gay bar. I think I found a way to fund next years spring break trip. Hello cancun!
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
Randomize
