Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
THAT stays in the CAR. And if one fucking person who was NOT in the car brings it up, I will KILL you. Thank you.
..So we should take it off Youtube?
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
I hope. Last year I got lost in New Orleans and some guy named Cookie walked me home while I cried.
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
Randomize
