Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
is it cool if i crash at ur house this weekend again bro
yea dude but i wld bring a sleeping bag or something just in case. or u may just have to shack up with a woman or 2 cuz we hav 10 girls visiting/staying over at my house.
how did u manage to make sleeping with a bunch of girls sound like an inconvenience?
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
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