i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
awesome recipe for disaster- bar hopping at the airport
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
It was a good hour of moans, penis compliments, smacks, and what sounded like someone running in flip flops
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