did the walk of shame from ex-boyfriend's room only to find other ex-boyfriend sitting in the living room. some people shouldn't be allowed to be friends.
some people shouldn't be allowed to be desperate.
I'm making progress with her.. She actually looked at me today and gave me a dirty look. Things are going real good.
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
You let the ASEXUAL teach sex Ed?!
Randomize