seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
The topic of sex in the jamba banana suit has come up on multiple occasions. We're just waiting for a moment to try it out.
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
He looks like an accountant with a secret kinky candy filled center.
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
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