dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
And then falling down drunk the next morning, concussing yourself and splitting your head open?
That was pretty sad, but you more than made up for it by using "concussing" in a sentence
they just tried to tell me they weren't big into drugs. A) it was the 70's. B) I've seen the pictures.
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
It's gay softball weekend. Lots of hot gay strangers to go home with.
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
Randomize
