And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
someone owes me an orgasm
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
I honestly think she should have her own reality show called "Lowering the Bar" and it consists of a camera crew following her from Bar to bar hooking up with unsuspecting drunk attractive men.
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
Randomize
