Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
i want to have as much fun as i did last weekend. but plus the condom and minus the fear.
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
Lol, yeah it'll be fun,but will it be cereal and dick pics fun?
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
Randomize
