im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
you can't get genital warts from dogs can you?
well when i got there she was attempting to stick the cat in her mouth.. so maybe you should go check on her
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Randomize
