you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
oh no, don't get me wrong.. she IS really pretty. If you are in to horses or Sarah Jessica Parker.
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
You pole danced in your parka.
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
She can be as judgemental as she wants. But she thinks the female orgasm is a myth so who is really winning here...
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
just licked the cheese off a burger. that high.
Randomize
