you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
BTW my friend remembers her as "the one with the pronounced chin"
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
Randomize
