If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
hotdog in my bra and i still managed to score. Got a bit freaked when he tried to eat it though. I paid 3 bucks for that fucking hotdog.
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
The day i have a fb album titled " I have become a townie" you can shoot me in the foot and tell me to get my life together
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
No, I found out he was gay when I walked in on him blowing the guy from the dorm room next to ours.
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
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