The two bassists just totally made out. I NEED MENNA'S RIGHT now.
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
I still think the kiddie pool full of jello option is worth exploring. Just sayin'.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
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