I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
She is getting high and watching the Hobbit. I want her life.
So she is basically watching her own life story: short people traveling to strange places.
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
Randomize
