I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
I thought 4 percs were too many but I'm dumping Gogurt on apple pie and taking giant bong rips. This feels right.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
This baby is an asshole
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
Is her dick bigger than yours?
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
Randomize
