Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
You need to come back and get me. This is not a jersey shore party and he is not dressed as Pauly D and I am about one shot away from hooking up with a real fist pumping Guido.
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
I may be bringing home two guys tonight. I'f they won't go for a double-team you can have the lanky one.
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
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