I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
A 21st bday and NYE should be illegal to have in the same week...
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
I'm really proud of her, she waited until she was on tiled floor to start puking on the ground
sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
Liz is crying about burritos again.
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
New fact of life: getting Becca high never helps any situation at all ever.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Randomize
