get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
Its alot easier to hide alcohol when your wearing a toga..
everythings easier when your wearing a toga.
you're letting him buy you a plane ticket...to kentucky...so you can fuck him?
i know. i'm only adding to the interstate sex trade problem.
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
Randomize
