hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
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