I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
She has no definite jawline and all of her photo's have Ke$ha quotes as captions followed by a "<3" Even by your standards that is embarrassing.
Did I hear correctly when it sounded like he said "just don't let me throw up into your vaj?"
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
Fucker was flying a Bruins flag. He can pick up the dog's poop himself.
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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