i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
Maybe I'll tuck it in and pretend to be a woman pretending to be a man that is attracted to women that are attracted to women who look like men
so... thinking about masturbating finally
taking the losers way out I see
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
Rumble strips road head = magical
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
I was so fucked up last night that I peed on his FATHER'S BED and fell asleep there. and yes. his father was asleep in the bed
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
Randomize
