Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
Rolling one last joint on my Psych textbook before trading it in. I might actually cry.
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
I know this shouldnt be a problem, but there are too many women hitting on me. I dont know what to do
Bro I rebuilt the dungeon in animal crossing visit me
Broooo
Randomize
