I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
I just wanna suck his dick on my balcony ya know
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
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