ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
NBC reported that a group almost has enough signatures to submit pole dancing as an Olympic sport in 2016...
God I fucking love America.
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
why does my status of facebook already read REHAB 2011
Kegger tonight. 10pm. $5 coverfor unlimited booze. Proceeds benefit nuns from Uganda. Bring friends. No shit.
she's lying on the floor with a bottle of vodka, belting shakira. plz advise.
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
You ever sit back and realize our friendship is based off us ranting at each other with random animal photos thrown in
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
Randomize
