Have you finally orgasmed yet?
just come out here and I will go home with you...
Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
Over it. He probably jacked off to bible verses last night. I don't want that
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
I just got breakfast in bed and he went down on me. And you though he was a bad idea. Shame
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
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