ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
also I saw his dick in the morning light and it was glorious. Like staring upon your birthday cake you ordered from heaven and going " can't wait to eat that later"
This place is a maelstrom of dicks.
I mean as in stuck up bastards, not actual, desirable male genitalia. My point is, come pick me up fast, please!
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
Randomize
