no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
I wish i could go to google and type in drug dealers and it would bring up a number, a product and direction
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
You know what, don't say anything. You all made fun on me for saying I would fuck him junior year when he taught us algebra and six years later, HERE I AM.
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
Randomize
