you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
I'm playing a game where i judge myself by whats in my cart. Also have 3 bright red giant buckets
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
she's unstoppable after she starts doing shots and yelling NANNER
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
Randomize
